


Rinse and Repeat

by MeganGrace



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ambiguous Gender, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Mention of a wife, Open to Interpretation, POV First Person, self reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:48:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23157340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeganGrace/pseuds/MeganGrace
Summary: Tired. I’m so tired. I can barely move. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to move. Yet, I’m so angry and I want to yell and scream. How can these two feelings correspond inside of me? I don’t know the answer to that.





	Rinse and Repeat

**Author's Note:**

> March 11, 2020

Tired. I’m so tired. I can barely move. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to move. Yet, I’m so angry and I want to yell and scream. How can these two feelings correspond inside of me? I don’t know the answer to that. 

Maybe I’m so tired because I’m so angry? I just know my back hurts and I’m always tired and angry. 

Is it because of the pain? The unfairness of the world? Is it the lack of motivation?

No, it’s the drugs. The drugs make me tired, and being tired aggravates my back pain, and my back pain makes me angry. 

But I put on a face. So don’t worry. I act like I’m happy, like I’m awake. 

Yet, when I get home? Do I get to rest after a long day of work? No! I get yelled at from my wife because I’m too tired to spend time with her. She says I’m  _ always _ tired. I think she suspects I have some mistress. 

I’m too tired to have a mistress.

I rub my hand over my face, groggy. I’m trying to find the energy, but my back hurts so much. And that makes me angry. 

I feel like I’m constantly cycling between being angry and tired. How am I supposed to live like this? I wake up, and I’m tired. I go to work, and I’m tired. I get home, and I’m tired. 

Is it worth it? The drugs seem to be ruining my life. Yet, with them, I can actually get stuff done. The drugs make me tired so that my anxiety doesn't take over. If I’m too tired, my anxiety can’t rule my life. If anxiety can’t rule my life, I can get stuff. 

Maybe if I had someone help me stay awake? But my wife just yells at me at how tired I am. I try to explain to her, that I’m sorry, but I’m just trying to provide for her. But she just starts crying, as if I’m blaming  _ her. _ Then, I get even more tired from comforting her and assuring that, yes, I do love her and yes, I will try to do better tomorrow. 

It’s a cycle. It just repeats. It’s all repetitive. What am I supposed to do? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to end the cycle. I don’t know to assure her that I love her more than anything. I don’t know if she could say the same thing.

Our bed is so cold. We lay there, cuddled close, yet I feel we are so far apart. Like she’s just out of reach and I don’t know how to close the chasm. 

I break down crying when I have the energy to. I do it in private, so that my wife doesn’t blame herself again. I feel I can’t share anything with her. I feel I can’t share anything with anybody. 

How do I explain how I feel? It’s not simple. Human emotions are more complicated than AP Calculus. But even then, people can understand Calculus. Not me. I don’t understand anything. 

I guess that’s why I’m a college dropout who is stuck in a miserable life with a miserable job and a miserable wife who struggles with anxiety and depression. 

I just know that today, I will get up two hours before I have to go to work, take a shower, eat, go to work, work and have a lunch break, come home, my wife will yell at me, I’ll comfort her and we’ll have dinner and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. 


End file.
